You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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