I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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