This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
