I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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