my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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