The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
