Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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