i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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