she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
