She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
