Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
