Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
