I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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