Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
did i just pee glitter
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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