in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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