Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
