My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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