He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
