this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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