Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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