Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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