I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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