seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
