respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
