All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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