i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Operation Purity has been aborted
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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