mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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