I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
