I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
