Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
