getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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