i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize