the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
