I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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