Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
