I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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