i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
