I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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