Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
