ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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