Your face is a jimmy john
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My vagina just recognized that song.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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