I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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