sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
