he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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