Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
