i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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