I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
