You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
