Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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