I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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