It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
