I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
