your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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