And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
