I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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