i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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