and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
