genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
