Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
