Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
