Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
