i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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