im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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