so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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